Wow, I just looked at my old blog and I just had my heart melt. Wow, time has flown since my boys were born and how I have lost sight of some very precious things these last few years. It is time to make a change. I big change I do believe. I am praying God will help me to get this house unpacked and enjoyable again and that he helps both myself and my husband to remember the little things in life and enjoy our children, because they grow up way too fast!
Such a heavy heart this morning for a few reasons after looking at the old blog. But also a joyful heart remembering all the fun I used to have with my kids watching them grow. Life has become a series of getting through the days, doctor appointments, therapy appointments, etc. I just feel like I need to take a serious step back and put some fun back into my life. This last move has done a number on my and I really didn't realize it until now. I knew it had bothered me, but didn't realize the extent until reading words I had written at a much happier time in my life.
I sat last night listening to my husband talk to his parents and say that all he does is go to work and come home. I got mad. I got made because he was the same way before we had kids. He didn't do much of anything with other people before we had kids and now I feel he is using them as an excuse to be unhappy with his life. If he actually did something I wouldn't care if he went out at least once a week and enjoyed himself. A few weeks ago I suggested he meet up with some other dads of kids with Autism/Asperger's in the area. He didn't go. As usual he used the kids as an excuse. His only getting out consists of going to a bar to watch a game. Makes my heart sad. But I can't make him do anything.
And as for me...I feel guilty going and doing anything on a regular basis. The kids get all out of whack and hubby gets mad. He says he doesn't, but his actions show a whole different story. He takes it out of the kids. I could handle if he took his anger out of me, but I can't handle him taking it out on the kids. The thing that killed me last night when he talked about only going to work and coming home is that I felt bad. I felt bad because he does only do that for the most part. But, then I thought to myself I don't even get that. I am at home all day. Kids and me. That's it. If the kids are at school I am home either cleaning, unpacking or shopping for something for the house (usually grocery shopping). I don't even get to interact with adults each day! I go days with the only people I talk to are my children and my husband. No one else. And I should feel sorry for him? Does he ever once consider what I go through? Ever? It just makes my heart so very sad. And to be perfectly honest...I don't know how to change it. I feel stuck right now on the precipice. Can't go forward and can't go backward. I know I will figure it out. I only pray I do soon. Because I really miss the old me.