Monday, October 8, 2012
Such a heavy heart this morning for a few reasons after looking at the old blog. But also a joyful heart remembering all the fun I used to have with my kids watching them grow. Life has become a series of getting through the days, doctor appointments, therapy appointments, etc. I just feel like I need to take a serious step back and put some fun back into my life. This last move has done a number on my and I really didn't realize it until now. I knew it had bothered me, but didn't realize the extent until reading words I had written at a much happier time in my life.
I sat last night listening to my husband talk to his parents and say that all he does is go to work and come home. I got mad. I got made because he was the same way before we had kids. He didn't do much of anything with other people before we had kids and now I feel he is using them as an excuse to be unhappy with his life. If he actually did something I wouldn't care if he went out at least once a week and enjoyed himself. A few weeks ago I suggested he meet up with some other dads of kids with Autism/Asperger's in the area. He didn't go. As usual he used the kids as an excuse. His only getting out consists of going to a bar to watch a game. Makes my heart sad. But I can't make him do anything.
And as for me...I feel guilty going and doing anything on a regular basis. The kids get all out of whack and hubby gets mad. He says he doesn't, but his actions show a whole different story. He takes it out of the kids. I could handle if he took his anger out of me, but I can't handle him taking it out on the kids. The thing that killed me last night when he talked about only going to work and coming home is that I felt bad. I felt bad because he does only do that for the most part. But, then I thought to myself I don't even get that. I am at home all day. Kids and me. That's it. If the kids are at school I am home either cleaning, unpacking or shopping for something for the house (usually grocery shopping). I don't even get to interact with adults each day! I go days with the only people I talk to are my children and my husband. No one else. And I should feel sorry for him? Does he ever once consider what I go through? Ever? It just makes my heart so very sad. And to be perfectly honest...I don't know how to change it. I feel stuck right now on the precipice. Can't go forward and can't go backward. I know I will figure it out. I only pray I do soon. Because I really miss the old me.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
So today started off as a rather nice day out. Of course the boys wanted to stay in and play so I took full advantage and did their iLs (Integrated Listening System) with them. I am trying out just doing 30 minutes a day since with school now it is so hard to spend 2 hours between the 2 of them doing it. A single hour is much more easy to fit in than an hour each.
We moved several months ago and have tons of boxes and packing paper all over the place. So we have been getting creative and today I just put one of the huge pieces of packing paper down on the floor and let them go to town with their "smelly markers." They spent half the day coloring, which is great for their fine motor skills, which both have trouble with. Plus they crawled around on the floor a lot too.
Friday, September 7, 2012
For a long time I have wondered about Twin A having Asperger's. I have gone back and forth in my head and asked every pediatrician we have had so far what could be going on and that others have suggested Asperger's. All have kind of dismissed the idea and said he just had some sensory processing problems and OT would help. Until now. What a crazy journey I am on right now. I need to spend some serious time trying to put it all into words because I am truly struggling with processing all the information. Why is it something we so want to be confirmed or identified is something we so don't want to confirmed or identified? Is this just part of the whole process I have to go through?
Monday, August 13, 2012
Tomorrow night we have our Kindergarten orientation and I am nervous and excited and a bundle of nerves all wrapped into one. I know it will all go fine but I really wish it wasn't scheduled for 6:00pm. And then the next morning I finally have my meeting with the school to get the much awaited results from Twin B's evaluation. A VERY long story that I will fill you in on later...right now it's time for me to get of this thing and get some sleep. Nighty night blogger world...so happy to be back!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I have twins who are total opposites on their sensory processing. In our world one is known as a seeker and the other an avoider. Oh fun. The last five years have been filled with many, many "I want to pull my hair out" kinds of moments. I think my biggest frustration is that people don't understand. Family, friends, teachers, heck...even strangers. Some days it's enough to make you just want to throw your hands up and run screaming from the building. But then one of them does something wonderfully sweet or amazing in my eyes and all is well with the world again.
Oh, and another very frustrating thing is when you talk to parents of both multiples and non-mulitples alike really, and you say your kids are totally opposite when you are speaking of their SPD needs, they always have to chime in, "Oh, my kids are total opposites too. Isn't that so funny how that happens?" Ugh, if one more person says that to me I may punch them in the face. Seriously. I am not talking about their personalities here...I am talking about their specific sensory needs. When you have one that can't get enough stimulation and one that everything in the world over stimulates it makes for one interesting day. Heck, one interesting hour most days! So no, I don't want to hear that your kids are opposite too!
One of the hardest things to deal with as the parent of an SPD child(ren) is the looks and even words of disapproval at your parenting skills. Words, whether actually spoken or implied are cutting and make you often question yourself. Is this all in your head? Am I making this worse because I am a bad parent? Are they right? Oh man, when you finally meet someone who "gets" it you feel like a million bucks! I will never forget at my children's 4 year check up finally feeling like I was a decent mom. I had spent the previous 3 years trying to get our pediatrician, husband, family, friends to understand what was going on with my kids. I felt like the world was against me and I was all alone. As I sat in this new pediatricians office and he spoke the words, "I believe we have some sensory integration issues going on here" I just wanted to cry. I actually wanted to jump up and give him a big old hug to be honest. He even went on to complete my thoughts later in the conversation and said I felt like an "island, all alone out there." Oh my gosh...who are you and why couldn't I have moved here sooner so I could have found you? All the time I had wasted. I had such a huge mix of emotions. I was just thankful to have found someone who understood!