My purpose

I stumbled on a great blog while perusing my beloved Pinterest the other day. Man, as much as I love that site it can suck hours of your life from you without you even noticing. But I will say I have done several things from the site I wouldn't have otherwise done, so no complaints on my end!

But I digress...this was supposed to be about my new purpose for my blog.

So, my new purpose for starting to blog again is to hold myself accountable. I honestly don't care if anyone reads my posts, and much like this gal, I kind of hope they won't. After reading the first few months of her blog I realized I am in the exact same boat she was in then. My reasons are very different and I have struggled with how to approach this often.

It was while reading this post about feeling overwhelmed I knew I had to go on this journey in my own life. Even if it is just for my own benefit, putting it in writing is really kind of therapeutic for me and it helps me to feel accountable.

Her fist line of the post was "I am determined to make some progress this week." Oh my, how many times have I said those words to myself or even others for that matter!

You see, I could go into all the excuses as to why my life is in the state it is right now. We moved every two years. My kids are small and they can't seem to part with ANYTHING they have ever received (a post for another day surely!). I always think I will get around to selling it online, having a garage sale, I will re-purpose it or we will actually use it once we either get a new house/organize the one we are in. But the truth is that it just keeps on growing and growing. The stuff. The clutter. It just keeps multiplying. I feel like I am buried at the bottom of everything and every time I try to start digging my way out I have an excuse as to why it just won't happen.

I am getting really tired of excuses. I want to be able to invite people to our home again and not feel ashamed of the state it is in. Right now I would be mortified if anyone rang my doorbell and I would find any excuse not to allow them in. I have never been like this in my life and it is slowly dragging me down. Little by little every day. What is worse to me, is that it is pulling my family down. I know the difference a clean and somewhat organized house makes for my children. They have enough challenges already without clutter adding to the chaos in our lives. So I am determined to make a difference. Determined!

Yet again...

Yes, once again I am going to venture back into the blogging world. Really, this has been something I have missed and yet I knew was time consuming in my life. I would spend hours reading other people's blogs and also writing on mine. But I was documenting my kiddos life so I was okay with it. But as they grew it became more and more difficult to blog. No more naps and all...

And then came the matter of sleep. I realized the value of getting rest and that my body could no longer function on the crazy sleep schedule I kept. When we lived in Indy, I was on Lunesta for an entire year! They just couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep through the night. When we moved from Indy to NC I took the baby monitor out of our bedroom since the boys' rooms were so much closer to ours and I could hear if they woke. That and they had started coming in our room if they woke anyway. Well, an amazing thing happened...I started sleeping through the night! I attribute it to two things really. First, no baby monitor in my ear. Even turned as low as it could go I guess it still affected my ability to sleep well. And second, I was no longer on the computer at night for hours on end. I came to learn later that I can't be on the computer past about 8:00 pm or I have trouble sleeping that night. What an amazing revelation! One I am thankful to have found, but one that has forced me to give up blogging and my digital scrapping. Two things I love dearly. But I am determined now to find a balance.  I know there is one out there. And posting on a blog keeps me accountable, and that my friends, is something I truly need right now in my life.

Oh my how the time does fly...

Wow, I just looked at my old blog and I just had my heart melt. Wow, time has flown since my boys were born and how I have lost sight of some very precious things these last few years. It is time to make a change. I big change I do believe. I am praying God will help me to get this house unpacked and enjoyable again and that he helps both myself and my husband to remember the little things in life and enjoy our children, because they grow up way too fast!

Such a heavy heart this morning for a few reasons after looking at the old blog. But also a joyful heart remembering all the fun I used to have with my kids watching them grow. Life has become a series of getting through the days, doctor appointments, therapy appointments, etc. I just feel like I need to take a serious step back and put some fun back into my life. This last move has done a number on my and I really didn't realize it until now. I knew it had bothered me, but didn't realize the extent until reading words I had written at a much happier time in my life.

I sat last night listening to my husband talk to his parents and say that all he does is go to work and come home. I got mad. I got made because he was the same way before we had kids. He didn't do much of anything with other people before we had kids and now I feel he is using them as an excuse to be unhappy with his life. If he actually did something I wouldn't care if he went out at least once a week and enjoyed himself. A few weeks ago I suggested he meet up with some other dads of kids with Autism/Asperger's in the area. He didn't go. As usual he used the kids as an excuse. His only getting out consists of going to a bar to watch a game. Makes my heart sad. But I can't make him do anything.

And as for me...I feel guilty going and doing anything on a regular basis. The kids get all out of whack and hubby gets mad. He says he doesn't, but his actions show a whole different story. He takes it out of the kids. I could handle if he took his anger out of me, but I can't handle him taking it out on the kids. The thing that killed me last night when he talked about only going to work and coming home is that I felt bad. I felt bad because he does only do that for the most part. But, then I thought to myself I don't even get that. I am at home all day. Kids and me. That's it. If the kids are at school I am home either cleaning, unpacking or shopping for something for the house (usually grocery shopping). I don't even get to interact with adults each day! I go days with the only people I talk to are my children and my husband. No one else. And I should feel sorry for him? Does he ever once consider what I go through? Ever? It just makes my heart so very sad. And to be perfectly honest...I don't know how to change it. I feel stuck right now on the precipice. Can't go forward and can't go backward. I know I will figure it out. I only pray I do soon. Because I really miss the old me.

Rainy Saturday

So today started off as a rather nice day out. Of course the boys wanted to stay in and play so I took full advantage and did their iLs (Integrated Listening System) with them. I am trying out just doing 30 minutes a day since with school now it is so hard to spend 2 hours between the 2 of them doing it. A single hour is much more easy to fit in than an hour each.

We moved several months ago and have tons of boxes and packing paper all over the place. So we have been getting creative and today I just put one of the huge pieces of packing paper down on the floor and let them go to town with their "smelly markers." They spent half the day coloring, which is great for their fine motor skills, which both have trouble with. Plus they crawled around on the floor a lot too.

It's a new calendar Mommy!

Yes, that is what my sweet little guys told me the other day when they came home from school. They are so freaking excited about school, which in turn makes me one very happy mommy. It's so hard for me to believe we are coming to the close of their second full week today. Wow, how the days have flown.  And wow, how so much as happened the last few weeks.

For a long time I have wondered about Twin A having Asperger's. I have gone back and forth in my head and asked every pediatrician we have had so far what could be going on and that others have suggested Asperger's. All have kind of dismissed the idea and said he just had some sensory processing problems and OT would help. Until now. What a crazy journey I am on right now. I need to spend some serious time trying to put it all into words because I am truly struggling with processing all the information. Why is it something we so want to be confirmed or identified is something we so don't want to confirmed or identified? Is this just part of the whole process I have to go through?

Let's try this again shall we?

Well, I used to be an avid blogger.  Oh, I loved to blog and read everyone else's blogs.  Then my toddlers became preschoolers.  Preschoolers with "issues." My life changed.  I also discovered part of my sleeping troubles were related to being on the computer after about 9:00pm as well.  Hmm...what's a gal to do?  So I gave up on blogging for a while (like over 2 years!).  So now I am trying to get back into the swing of things and get my groove back. So hang int here with me!

Tomorrow night we have our Kindergarten orientation and I am nervous and excited and a bundle of nerves all wrapped into one. I know it will all go fine but I really wish it wasn't scheduled for 6:00pm.  And then the next morning I finally have my meeting with the school to get the much awaited results from Twin B's evaluation.  A VERY long story that I will fill you in on later...right now it's time for me to get of this thing and get some sleep.  Nighty night blogger world...so happy to be back!

I am the mom to two amazing little guys, both have Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Of course, since I have two little guys I couldn't make it easy on myself and have them both exhibit the same kinds of behaviors.  Nope, that would be way too easy!

I have twins who are total opposites on their sensory processing.  In our world one is known as a seeker and the other an avoider.  Oh fun. The last five years have been filled with many, many "I want to pull my hair out" kinds of moments.  I think my biggest frustration is that people don't understand.  Family, friends, teachers, heck...even strangers.  Some days it's enough to make you just want to throw your hands up and run screaming from the building.  But then one of them does something wonderfully sweet or amazing in my eyes and all is well with the world again.

Oh, and another very frustrating thing is when you talk to parents of both multiples and non-mulitples alike really, and you say your kids are totally opposite when you are speaking of their SPD needs, they always have to chime in, "Oh, my kids are total opposites too.  Isn't that so funny how that happens?" Ugh, if one more person says that to me I may punch them in the face. Seriously. I am not talking about their personalities here...I am talking about their specific sensory needs.  When you have one that can't get enough stimulation and one that everything in the world over stimulates it makes for one interesting day.  Heck, one interesting hour most days!  So no, I don't want to hear that your kids are opposite too!

One of the hardest things to deal with as the parent of an SPD child(ren) is the looks and even words of disapproval at your parenting skills.  Words, whether actually spoken or implied are cutting and make you often question yourself.  Is this all in your head? Am I making this worse because I am a bad parent? Are they right? Oh man, when you finally meet someone who "gets" it you feel like a million bucks! I will never forget at my children's 4 year check up finally feeling like I was a decent mom. I had spent the previous 3 years trying to get our pediatrician, husband, family, friends to understand what was going on with my kids.  I felt like the world was against me and I was all alone. As I sat in this new pediatricians office and he spoke the words, "I believe we have some sensory integration issues going on here" I just wanted to cry.  I actually wanted to jump up and give him a big old hug to be honest. He even went on to complete my thoughts later in the conversation and said I felt like an "island, all alone out there." Oh my gosh...who are you and why couldn't I have moved here sooner so I could have found you? All the time I had wasted. I had such a huge mix of emotions.  I was just thankful to have found someone who understood!